And so it begins… Talullah is coming to life as I type. Who is Talullah? Well, Talullah is me… and I am she.



I know, it sounds confusing but in my head it’s not. Let me explain. 



We all have a history. A story. A past. Baggage. Skeletons in our closets. Monsters of our own making that live in the spaces of our life and whisper to us about just how much we’ve screwed up and how unworthy we really are.



My own history included many good things but in my own humanness I was always haunted by the bad things and my own shortcomings. My general unworthiness. 



That was manifested in depression and suicidal ideation at an unnaturally young age and carried through the early part of my adult life. I could go into the fear, anxiety, self-harm, bad coping mechanisms and choices but those stories may be told later.



For now I want to just lay the foundation. So… now you have an idea. It f*cking sucked. At least to me it did.



I finally came to the place where I decided that I had to find answers or quit with the ideation and just go all in on the suicide. I am grateful that as humans our sense of self-preservation is very strong and for me that was enough to push me toward finding answers.



But I have to tell you… I had NO idea what I was getting into. And I had no idea where to start. 



I did keep asking myself the question, “where do I start to find answers that lead to healing and living a fulfilling and joyful life?”



I don’t know how long it took exactly, but I started to experience things that pointed me to the world of “personal development”. I believe it has gone through a number of labels and iterations through the millennia, but the premise is the same.

If you Google it, you will probably find a definition similar to this: Personal development is the process of improving yourself through new skills, self-awareness, and self-improvement.



My description of it: Learning how to shed skewed perspectives, adopt healthy ones, and how to essentially rewrite the meanings of everything experienced (past, present and future) to serve me and the world around me instead of accepting everything as it is or worse than it is… becoming the best version of myself that I can be in order to experience the fullness of my own potential and by living my best life for my own fulfillment and to inspire others around me to do the same.

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So down the path I went. It became a journey that steadily changed me, my life, the amount of time I spent struggling to keep my emotional head above water, and the vision of who I thought I was.



That is where Talullah started to peak her head into the picture. 



Maybe you can identify with this…



I had spent the better part of my (over) 40 years of life so despising who I was (yes there was a reason but that story is for another day), that it was difficult for me to see myself as the me I really wanted to be (or felt like I could be). I was getting glimpses but the full picture… the me that I knew was deep inside and slowing making her way out… was still locked behind a veil that I had spent a lot of effort coloring with dark and ugly pictures. I could not see her for what she is and the beauty that lied within.



So I started toying with the idea of creating separation in my mind between the me of today and the me of tomorrow.



Eventually in a moment of introspection I asked myself “who are you?” And I heard a single word reply of “Abundance”.



I asked for clarification and got the following explanation…



“I am the version of you that is not without a past or a history, but has already learned the lessons and now embodies the Abundance of everything good. Anything good that you could use the word Abundance to describe, that is Me… the real YOU.”



A bit mystified and totally inspired I did a search for “name that means abundance” and ended up finding Talullah. It means Lady of Abundance.



I was instantly in love.



I chose to refer to the future version of myself as Talullah. The version that has already experienced exactly what I’m experiencing today and has learned the lessons and given the experiences definitions that serve me and the world around me.



While I suppose Talullah was actually born in that moment, it is only now that I am acting on bringing her out into the open.



Have you ever heard the phrase “BE the good you want to see”?



It generally means stepping into who you want to be and assuming the persona and actions of the person or personality as you wish it to be.

It means not waiting for somebody else to be the answer.  It means not waiting for some version of you that you "think" does not already exist to take action. It means taking responsibility and stepping into the new... the unknown with courage (by the way courage cannot exist without fear so that is a given)... and becoming that person.

Talullah had to be born in my mind to create a degree of separation from the ugly entrenched identity that I had lived with most of my life and gave me a persona to BE. A persona to BE that was no longer restrained by a stained and false identity that was as restrictive as any prison.



I think in many ways I was already starting to develop this idea of seeing a degree of separation between my current self (as much as I had already grown) and the next improved iteration of who I knew deep down I was becoming. But it wasn’t until I had the moment of introspection that the concrete idea was truly clear.



Like I said… that is when Talullah was born.



Now Talullah is being presented in earnest as I finally step forward into that persona and begin to share the words and the stories that I have known for a long time would eventually be shared. Or at least needed to be.



So I am Me and I am Talullah. And Talullah is as much Me now as she is the Me of the future because she is just a few steps ahead of where I am now and knows how to take Me from here to there. Talullah is the “BE” in the good I want to see.



I sure hope I haven’t confused you in this explanation and introduction of me and my alter ego Talullah. Perhaps we can be an inspiration for you to be able to step into that next greater iteration of yourself.



Regardless, thank you for being here. I hope to see you around more as I share my adventures and pondering in the future.